1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:02,935
(ALF)
On the last week on "ALF.."
2
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:05,037
You called me horsemeat.
3
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,106
And you won't let me eat cats.
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,008
You don't mind
siting on plastic.
5
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,476
And that's what
makes it so funny.
6
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:13,045
You think I wake up looking
this good?
7
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,813
Try doing it naked.
8
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:17,816
(ALF)
Hold it. This isn't
making any sense.
9
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,452
Here's what happened when
the neighbors were robbed.
10
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,687
[intense music]
11
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:26,625
Well, ALFer, it's up to you.
12
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:29,895
An alien's gotta do
what an alien's gotta do.
13
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:32,998
When the going gets tough
14
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,067
the tough get going!
15
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,804
This guy's gonna
be rice pudding.
16
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,139
Yeah.
17
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,477
[intense music]
18
00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:49,214
Freeze!
19
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:56,321
Don't you know
what freeze means?
20
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,190
(Griswald on megaphone)
'You in the house'
21
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:01,326
'come out with your hands up.'
22
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,162
Mommy!
23
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,697
(ALF)
And that's what
happened last week.
24
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,232
Did I miss anything?
25
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,234
I was under the drier.
26
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:13,772
(ALF)
Hey wait a minute they promised
they wouldn't show that again.
27
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,575
[theme music]
28
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,489
[no audio]
29
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,528
[no audio]
30
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,701
[no audio]
31
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:50,442
[no audio]
32
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,569
[instrumental music]
33
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:18,737
[siren wailing]
34
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:20,939
[tires screeching]
35
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,709
Oh, no, the cops!
Whatever it is I didn't do it.
36
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,245
Take it easy, Jake.
37
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,180
I have a distinct
feeling those sirens
38
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,115
have something to do with ALF.
39
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,085
What is this false
alarm number 27?
40
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,486
[chuckles]
41
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,588
Who's turn is it to apologize
to the police?
42
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:40,993
Not me. They are not falling
for my cute kid routine anymore.
43
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:42,327
[phone ringing]
44
00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,130
Hello?
45
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,532
Dad, it's ALF.
46
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,034
Would you tell him
to come in here
47
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,670
if he wants to talk to me?
48
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,039
Dad said that you're
gonna have to come in here
49
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,707
if you want to talk to him.
50
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,511
He says that's
gonna be a problem.
51
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,215
Hello, ALF.
52
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,851
Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie!
53
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,719
What have I done?
54
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,622
I don't know, ALF.
What have you done?
55
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:13,125
Did you see
"Dog Day Afternoon?"
56
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,562
Where are you?
57
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,397
(Griswald on megaphone)
'The house is surrounded.'
58
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,799
'Come out with your hands up.'
59
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,168
Please hold.
60
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,070
Uh, no dice!
61
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,372
I'm armed, I'm dangerous
62
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,441
and I'm off my medication.
63
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:35,347
Hey! Hey! The cops have
somebody cornered in my house!
64
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,416
As you may have gathered, Willie
65
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,751
I'm in big trouble.
66
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,355
You're always in trouble.
67
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,090
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale
68
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,159
this one's a humdinger.
69
00:03:47,161 --> 00:03:49,261
I need help.
70
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,996
What happened, ALF?
71
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,866
Long story short, I saw
a burglar at the Ochmonek's
72
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,535
and scared him away.
73
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:59,438
Now, I'm trapped
and I'm scared.
74
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,574
Oh, the irony of it all.
75
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,577
Well, can't you
make a run for it?
76
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,181
I take it you didn't see the end
of "Butch Cassidy" either.
77
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,117
No, I didn't.
78
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,952
But you've got
to do something, ALF.
79
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,188
They might storm the house.
80
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,290
Oh, yeah.
81
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,359
I've got hostages in here!
82
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,362
Think that'll hold them?
83
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,697
Or should I say that
the hostages are nuns?
84
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,600
No nuns. None.
85
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:32,437
- I'm coming over.
- Okay, but hurry!
86
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,207
I don't think these guys will
give you much of a grace period
87
00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:37,209
if you catch my drift.
88
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,146
ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
89
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:43,215
I know the feeling.
90
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,085
- I-I-I'm going over.
- Me too.
91
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,054
No, you're, you're,
you're staying here.
92
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,222
It's too dangerous.
93
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:51,490
Yeah, you might lose your cool
94
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,625
when the bullets start flyin'.
95
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,161
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
96
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,997
Jake, that is ridiculous.
97
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,899
Willie, be careful.
98
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,868
Oh, uh, I will.
99
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:07,005
By the way, how did
"Butch Cassidy" end?
100
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,009
They were gunned down
by the Bolivian army.
101
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,844
Yeah, it was really cool.
102
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:16,248
I can dig it.
103
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:22,254
[instrumental music]
104
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,157
(ALF)
'If any of you
try to come in here'
105
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:28,694
you'll be eating more lead
than a pencil sharpener.
106
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,595
He's bluffing.
Use the battering ram.
107
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,665
We haven't got
a battering ram.
108
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,300
Where are my tax dollars going?
109
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,868
Get back, lady.
110
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,438
They're probably
going to Gary Hart.
111
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,606
You say you've got hostages.
112
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,642
How do we know they're alright?
113
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,344
(ALF)
'Just a second.'
114
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,346
How are you guys?
115
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:48,780
[imitating hostage]
Fine. Great.
116
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,682
[imitating hostage]
Glug. Couldn't be better.
117
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,853
There you have it.
118
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,489
Uh, Officer Griswald,
uh, what's going on here?
119
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,891
Hey, Tanner, you finally
called one right.
120
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,560
You mean, you've,
you've got the burglar?
121
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,395
Well, not yet,
but we got him surrounded.
122
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,796
You're not gonna
go in there, are you?
123
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,898
Well, not as long as
he's got hostages.
124
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,900
Hostages-schmostages,
we're Americans.
125
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,669
We don't negotiate
with terrorists, do we?
126
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,637
(in unison)
No!
127
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,406
Maybe I ought
to go in there.
128
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,975
Tanner, your job is over.
129
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,577
We'll handle this.
130
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,512
Listen, you in there.
131
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,547
If you refuse to negotiate
132
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,050
we're gonna
have to use tear gas.
133
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,586
Yes! Tear gas! Tear gas!
134
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:30,422
(in unison)
Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.
135
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:33,592
'Tear gas. Tear gas. Tear gas.'
136
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,928
[TV switch clicks]
137
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,598
[animated film on TV]
138
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,999
Where's the graphic violence
139
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,735
and senseless mayhem
when you need it?
140
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,471
[gunshots]
141
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:51,343
Oh, thank heavens
for Sam Peckinpah.
142
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,379
- Everybody down.
- He's got a gun!
143
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,814
So what?
144
00:06:57,117 --> 00:07:00,285
He doesn't have a gun.
Where would he get a gun?
145
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:04,122
Hey, don't think you're
playing with a greenhorn.
146
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,690
'I've got enough powder in here'
147
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,427
'to blow up
the Chrysler Building.'
148
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,463
Chrysler Building?
That's 3000 miles away.
149
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,232
He must have
a heck of a charge.
150
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,535
Medic, bring this man a brain.
151
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:20,205
Alright, in there,
hold your fire.
152
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,474
Tell us what you want.
153
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,377
I don't want anything for myself
154
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:28,113
uh, but the hostages are hungry.
155
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,614
Right, guys?
156
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,316
[imitating hostage]
You said it. Sure are.
157
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,818
[imitating hostage]
Haven't had a thing
since breakfast.
158
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,386
[imitating hostage]
I'm famished.
159
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:36,655
(ALF)
'You hear that?'
160
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:40,058
'Uh, send us
five pizzas and a cat.'
161
00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:43,295
A cat?
162
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,230
(ALF)
'Cat? Who said a cat?'
163
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,399
- 'I did.'
- 'You idiot.'
164
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,836
We've got
a Satan worshiper in here!
165
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:58,009
Gaffney, get the pizzas.
166
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,411
Aww.
167
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,913
I got the food
last week for the sniper.
168
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,017
Alright. Alright. Johnson.
169
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,652
Go get pizzas.
170
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,856
They like pepperoni. Probably.
171
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:15,494
Alright, we're
getting the pizzas.
172
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,596
Relax.
173
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:21,433
It puts them off their guard.
174
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,135
Now we send for the SWAT team.
175
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,871
Alright. SWAT teams.
176
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,539
(in unison)
SWAT teams. SWAT teams.
177
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,375
- No!
- Get down. Down!
178
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,111
Let me go in there. I can help.
I'm a social worker.
179
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,213
What are you gonna do?
Give me a welfare check?
180
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,615
[chuckles]
181
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,851
I can reason with him.
182
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,721
I-I know I can, I've dealt
with this type before
183
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:46,525
time and time and time again.
184
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,394
Sorry, Tanner.
185
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:52,130
We're leaving
this for the SWAT team.
186
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,799
Excuse me then.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
187
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,472
You ever kill a man
with spatula?
188
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,141
[scoffs]
189
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,211
Wow! Another squad car.
190
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,480
ALF's busted for sure.
191
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,415
Oh, no.
192
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,218
Hey, if you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
193
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,954
My dad's cellmate embroidered
that on a pot holder.
194
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:20,725
Don't worry, Bri.
ALF is not going to jail.
195
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,162
Though a short sentence
might do him good.
196
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,434
Dad, is ALF gonna be alright?
197
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,436
Well, the house is surrounded.
198
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:34,239
There's a mob outside
and the SWAT team's on its way.
199
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,074
You be the judge.
200
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,275
[telephone ringing]
201
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,910
Uh, the Ochmonek's aren't here
202
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,780
and if you don't mind,
I'm a little busy right now.
203
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,549
ALF, wait! Wait!
It's me, it's Willie.
204
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:47,152
Prove it.
What's your middle name?
205
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,789
Francis.
206
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:51,923
Francis?
207
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,091
[laughing]
208
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,560
Well, no wonder
you never told me.
209
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,629
[ALF laughing over phone]
210
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,798
Alright, alright.
211
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,867
Sorry, Willie, I'm panicking.
212
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,204
Listen, ALF, there's
a SWAT team on its way.
213
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,975
Well, that calmed me right down.
214
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,916
This is Doug Gould,
Channel 6 news.
215
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:21,152
I'm reporting live
from 169 Hemdale Avenue.
216
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,121
Doug Gould?
217
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,956
That blow-dried vulture?
218
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,660
This seemingly
calm suburban street
219
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,962
is about to run
red with blood.
220
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,063
[gasps]
221
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,433
Oh, wait, why am I worried?
222
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,168
My blood is green.
223
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,506
In this house, an undetermined
number of hostages
224
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,309
are being held
by a deranged gunman.
225
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,144
Who are you calling deranged
226
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,213
you video tapeworm?
227
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,851
With me now
is Officer Izzy Griswald
228
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,787
who was the first policeman
on the scene.
229
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,690
(ALF)
'Hey, copper,
where are those pizzas?'
230
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,595
Officer Griswald what can you
tell us about the hostages?
231
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,665
They're hungry.
232
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,969
Actually, we don't
know who the hostages are
233
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:13,371
but we believe
they're unharmed.
234
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,606
That's good news.
235
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,708
Except from
a ratings standpoint.
236
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,043
[chuckles]
237
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,247
- Sir..
- Hmm?
238
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,621
The food is here.
239
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,857
Excuse me.
240
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,527
That was Officer Izzy Griswald
241
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:39,397
who is in charge
of the operation, a..
242
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,366
And, uh, who might you be?
243
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,569
I'm Mrs. Byrd, Myrna Byrd,
148 Hemdale.
244
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,904
I'm Doug Gould.
245
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,472
Yes, I watch
your show all the time.
246
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,240
Oh-ho, you know my work?
247
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,176
I know it and hate it.
248
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,878
We'll be back after
this word from Arby's.
249
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,416
Now you were saying?
250
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,085
No need to elaborate!
251
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,088
Your reporting is nothing but
thinly disguised sensationalism
252
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,690
marauding in the vestments
of mock human interest
253
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,092
peppered with innuendo
254
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,094
and served with saccharin
superciliousness
255
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:12,864
and a blatant disregard
of substantive prima-tertia.
256
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,032
But you're awfully cute.
257
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,735
How about a one-night stand?
258
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,237
Think about it.
I'm a widow.
259
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,409
It's gonna be a long night.
260
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,777
How come?
261
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:27,779
Is this the night
we set the clocks back?
262
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,351
(ALF)
'Hey! What's going
on out there?'
263
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,787
Some of us think we smell pizza.
264
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,288
Don't we, guys?
265
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,257
[imitating hostage]
Yeah, smells like pizza to me.
266
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,025
[imitating hostage]
Me too. I smell it.
267
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,027
[imitating hostage]
Wish we had some.
268
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,631
Yeah, pizza just got here.
269
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:47,966
Come on out and get it.
270
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,534
(ALF)
'I'll be right out.'
271
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:50,635
No! No! Don't come out!
272
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:51,803
Shh!
273
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,738
Oh, yeah. Right.
274
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,909
Hey, we're not hungry anymore.
Are we?
275
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,544
[imitating hostage]
Not me. Couldn't eat a thing.
276
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,046
[imitating hostage]
Wouldn't touch it. Me either.
277
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,649
Shut up!
278
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,151
Thanks for nothing, Tanner.
279
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,419
I can't believe
you just did that.
280
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,824
I just.. I don't want
anybody to get hurt.
281
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,493
I can't believe the pizza
got here before the SWAT team.
282
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,296
You should try waiting
for the coroner sometime.
283
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,464
I have.
284
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,901
You know, maybe this guy
285
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,436
just wants this publicity.
286
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:29,274
Maybe if we all just leave
he'd let the hostages go.
287
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:32,010
Yeah, and maybe if we open
the cell doors
288
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,511
the criminals
would just walk in.
289
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,847
Oh, hey, but then,
wouldn't the criminals
290
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,750
that are just already
in there walk out?
291
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,520
Your parents are first cousins,
aren't they?
292
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,958
(Trevor)
'Hey, what's everybody
doing on my lawn?'
293
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,026
- Trevor, Raquel--
- What..
294
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,627
What's going on here?
295
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,962
Who are all these people?
296
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:53,932
Somebody beheaded
my lawn Santa.
297
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,533
There's a burglar
in your house.
298
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,035
Trevor, he's got a hostages.
299
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,003
Burglar? Hostages?
300
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,005
That's why I left New York.
301
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,541
Excuse me, are you
the owners of this house?
302
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,677
Yeah, that's right. What..
303
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,879
Hey, are we on TV?
304
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,049
(ALF)
'Look at Trevor.'
305
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,918
The camera really
does add 20 pounds.
306
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,055
(Raquel on TV)
'I don't know
why they keep robbing us.'
307
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,890
'There's nothing
left to steal.'
308
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:22,193
(Trevor on TV)
'Yeah, how come they never break
into the Tanner's over there?'
309
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,295
'That place is ripe
for the picking.'
310
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:27,799
'They've got a computer,
telescope, a waterpik..
311
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,970
This is like watching
the Home Shopping Network.
312
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,405
Wow! Look at Uncle Trevor!
313
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,408
The camera really
does add 80 pounds.
314
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:41,012
(male
'We'll continue live
right after this message.'
315
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,814
The Ochmoneks are coming over.
316
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,949
Oh, ALF,
hide in the kitchen.
317
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:47,986
I'm losing it.
318
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,021
I'm just so worried about him.
319
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,890
Hello, everybody.
320
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,224
Hey, did you see me on TV?
321
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,927
Yeah, you looked a little puffy.
322
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,495
Well, you know what they say.
323
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,931
TV adds about 140 pounds.
324
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:02,100
- No, not that much.
- It's true.
325
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:05,904
Nell Carter is really
the same size as Diana Ross!
326
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,939
Let's not talk about this now.
327
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,376
I-I'm so sorry
that this is happening.
328
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,044
Do you believe our luck?
329
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:16,614
Why do bad things
happen to good people?
330
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,516
I told you, Raquel.
It's kahma.
331
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,951
What's kahma?
332
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,954
When your lawn Santa is beheaded
for no apparent reason.
333
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,256
Oh, you mean karma.
334
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:27,926
Why did you decide
to come back?
335
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,460
I thought you were
going to Tijuana.
336
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,429
Well, we were half way there,
when we realized
337
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,964
that we'd left
the door unlocked.
338
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:35,633
We didn't want
anybody breaking in.
339
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,802
[chuckles]
Now that point is moot.
340
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,137
What's moot?
341
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,439
Would somebody buy
this kid a dictionary?
342
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,642
I hope they catch
that burglar dead or alive.
343
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,411
Don't say that.
344
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,478
[telephone ringing]
345
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,983
Why is he so concerned
with the criminal?
346
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,651
You taught him that,
didn't you?
347
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:57,155
Hey, I've got better things
to do than to corrupt him.
348
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,223
I'm tryin' to corrupt her.
349
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,060
Mom, it's for you.
350
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,561
Honey, who is it?
351
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,496
It's, uh...Hairy.
352
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:07,832
Hairy, who?
353
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,468
Hairy Melmacian.
354
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,972
Oh...right.
355
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,810
Make it quick, eh?
356
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,445
I wanna call my insurance agent.
357
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:23,247
Maybe it's not too late
to get a homeowners policy.
358
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,185
Hello, Hairy.
359
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,921
Hi, Too-Much-Rouge.
360
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,591
So, how is it going?
361
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:36,694
Fine, I've met a lot
of nice new people
362
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,429
who wanna kill me.
363
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,366
That's nice.
364
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,369
Oh, I'm glad you're
taking it so well.
365
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,137
Uh, I-I really can't talk
right now.
366
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,039
We have...company.
367
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,508
Oh, you invited people over.
368
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,512
Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you
to stop living because I might.
369
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,182
We didn't invite them.
They just dropped by.
370
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:02,286
Well, excuse us
for being under siege.
371
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,189
Um..
372
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,858
Uh, Willie hasn't
forgotten about you.
373
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,559
I'm sure we'll be
seeing you soon.
374
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:09,994
Okay, Hairy?
375
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,729
Do I have the right number?
376
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,965
Yes. Goodbye.
377
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,467
[sighs]
378
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,071
Do I use too much rouge?
379
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,306
I always thought so.
380
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,143
[clears throat]
381
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,912
Sir, SWAT team
will be here in five minutes.
382
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,313
What's taking 'em so long?
383
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,549
They stormed
the wrong house by mistake.
384
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,086
Alright, in five minutes
385
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,355
this place is gonna be
raining burglar.
386
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,257
- No.
- Tanner, come back here.
387
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,426
- Fire at will!
- No! No!
388
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,761
Hold your fire.
389
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,164
Sorry. I thought
I was back in Nam.
390
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,333
Who are you?
391
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,074
Oh, Willie, Willie.
392
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,409
I'm so glad to see you.
393
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:00,678
It's okay, ALF.
394
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,680
It-it-it's okay.
395
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,682
What's your plan?
396
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,918
I-I don't have a plan.
397
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,388
There are enough people in here
without a plan, right, guys?
398
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:14,058
[imitating hostage]
You said it. Absolutely.
We're sunk.
399
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,462
Don't do that for my benefit.
400
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,965
[imitating hostage]
Sorry. Sorry. No problem.
401
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:24,068
Look, ALF, we've
gotta do something.
402
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,304
Well, why don't you
wrap me around your neck
403
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,106
and tell 'em
I'm a fur stole.
404
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,709
Hey, hey, I'm not married
to that idea.
405
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,712
[radio static]
406
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:35,880
Testing, testing.
407
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,115
Can you hear me?
408
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,783
Yeah, I can hear you, Willie.
409
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:42,220
But this is no time
to play block captain.
410
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,923
No, no, ALF. I've got it.
411
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,658
I've got an idea.
412
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:52,296
All we need, all we need
is a place for you to hide.
413
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,333
[Jamaican accent]
How about Jamaica, maan?
414
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,835
Give me a minute.
415
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:01,439
(Griswald on megaphone)
'This is your last chance.'
416
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,941
'Come out with your hands up.'
417
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,778
I'm telling you, coppers,
you'll never take me alive.
418
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,846
Ha!
419
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,483
What a stupid threat?
420
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,422
Get in the hamper.
421
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:21,692
But Raquel's unmentionables
are in there.
422
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,661
Just get in the hamper.
423
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:27,098
And keep making those silly
demands on your walkie-talkie.
424
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,600
Forget it.
425
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:32,303
(Griswald on megaphone)
'If you don't
surrender immediately'
426
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,273
'we are dispersing
the tear gas.'
427
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:38,409
(all)
Tear gas! Tear gas! Tear gas!
428
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,246
I'm getting in before
they start to harmonize.
429
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,353
This is either gonna work or..
430
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,689
Well, let's not
think about that.
431
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:56,894
Whoa! How bad
does tear gas smell?
432
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,396
Get down.
433
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,799
Did I mention to you
that I'm claustrophobic?
434
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,201
I am!
435
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,574
[sighs]
436
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,145
Oh.
437
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,417
Wait! Don't shoot!
438
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,319
He's-he's not here.
439
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,920
Hold your fire.
440
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:25,923
And I don't want to hear
anything out of you, lady.
441
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,658
We're coming in.
442
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,234
Upstairs.
443
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:40,204
You see, the burglar's
just not here.
444
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,206
He's got to be here.
445
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,208
We have the place surrounded.
446
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,343
[clears throat]
447
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:46,677
(ALF on radio)
'O-okay, uh..'
448
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,913
'...I'll now make
a list of my demands.'
449
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,181
Everybody, down!
450
00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:52,049
'I want a million dollars'
451
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,519
'a-and a DC-10 with those
little bags of peanuts.'
452
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:57,622
'You know,
the honey-roasted kind.'
453
00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:00,124
The voice is coming
from this walkie-talkie.
454
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,293
That's right.
He's not in the house.
455
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:06,297
He's just been broadcasting his
demands over the walkie-talkie.
456
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,633
He must have escaped
before we got here.
457
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:12,069
(ALF)
'And for the in-flight meal,
I want the filet mignon.'
458
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:16,207
[imitating hostage]
'I'll have chicken. I'll take
the fish. Kosher for me.'
459
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:17,608
(ALF)
'Oy!'
460
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,279
Well, how did
a goofball like this
461
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,714
come up
with such a clever plan?
462
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,783
Oh, you really
think it's clever?
463
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:29,920
No burglar, no hostages.
464
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:31,756
We did find a bunch
of bank pens, though.
465
00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:34,625
- Hmm.
- Can I keep these?
466
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:37,161
Take them out to the car
and log 'em as evidence.
467
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,629
Okay.
468
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,832
And I'll turn back the clock.
469
00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:46,337
Alright, he's probably
still in the area.
470
00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,406
You guys
search the neighborhood.
471
00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:52,743
[sighs]
472
00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:55,346
Oh and, Tanner..
473
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,682
...thanks for all your help.
474
00:21:57,684 --> 00:22:00,685
- Oh.
- You got a lot of guts.
475
00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:03,354
You deserve
to be block captain.
476
00:22:03,356 --> 00:22:05,690
Thank you.
Thank you, sir, and..
477
00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:07,325
Now, goodbye.
478
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:10,428
I'll just, uh...tidy up.
479
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,563
[clicking tongue]
480
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:16,300
It's okay, ALF,
you're safe now.
481
00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:17,835
[ALF gasp]
482
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,603
[vase shattering]
483
00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:22,039
Just blame that on the burglar.
484
00:22:22,041 --> 00:22:25,009
Back down! I've got
to carry you home now.
485
00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:29,013
Hey, it's not like this hamper
is Jamaica, maan.
486
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,282
- Get down, maan.
- Oh.
487
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,954
Oh, hi, Trevor, Raquel.
488
00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:38,989
What are you doing
with our laundry?
489
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:42,560
Well, I-I thought I'd wash it.
490
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:46,030
It's the least I can do
after all you've been through.
491
00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:47,531
Thanks, Willie.
492
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:50,534
Alright, let's hear it
for Willie Tanner !
493
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:53,371
(in unison)
Willie! Willie! Willie!
494
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:56,006
Uh, uh, thank you.
Uh, thank you.
495
00:22:56,008 --> 00:22:59,977
(ALF)
'Psst. Willie, don't stop
to sign any autographs, maan.'
496
00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:01,746
I hear you, maan.
497
00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:05,716
(in unison)
Willie! Willie! Willie!
498
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:10,955
[instrumental music]
499
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:15,760
Hey, ALF,
what are you doing?
500
00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:17,728
I'm putting
the finishing touches
501
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,865
on the ALF Home Security System.
502
00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:23,334
Now, this place will be
burglar proof.
503
00:23:23,336 --> 00:23:25,503
[alarm wailing]
504
00:23:27,707 --> 00:23:29,006
Wow!
505
00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:34,078
ALF, turn it off!
506
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:37,114
Off?
507
00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,850
[wailing continues]
508
00:23:43,456 --> 00:23:46,457
[theme music]